Party Peepers!

By Liz Egger     Just because I'm a nudist, why should I do a striptease?  ( First appeared Dec 2001)

I'm going to the first of this year's Christmas parties this weekend.
I just love parties. The fun, the warmth and hospitality, the buzz of conversation, the chance to meet old friends, and new acquaintances.
The trouble is, when you are known to be a nudist, you can encounter a breed of new acquaintance which I call "the Party Peeper".
The Party Peeper is an otherwise respectable man - (Not being sexist. It's just that in my experience it always is a man) - who, on discovering that I'm a naturist, thinks that he is somehow absolved from observing the usual social niceties. That I can be propositioned, leered at and questioned about my body in a way that a NICE girl would find offensive, but which is, of course OK for me as I am a nudist, and therefore WITHOUT SHAME.
What gets me REALLY mad is when, after I've explained that I may be a naturist but I really don't want to take my clothes off / show you a nude photo / discuss my breasts thank you very much, I am accused of being a hypocrite. After all, he says, you nudists are open about your bodies. You can't be a genuine nudist if you're shy. Prove that you're a real nudist. Strip off.
This conversation always takes place 
a) when the man has had a drink or two, and 
b) when his wife or partner is in another room, and 
c) when my husband is out of the room.
Although I'm tempted to bring the discussion to a close with a swift poke in the eye, my usual response is that I'd love to help but my husband wouldn't like it. However, I point out, he is also a naturist. If you are so interested, why not talk to him? Ask him to strip off, or discuss his body in detail and see what he says. That's him over there. Well built chap. Ex paratrooper. I'll mention that you've been talking to me.
Now this approach usually works, but it does rely on the presence of an able-bodied male partner. I call it the "hard boiled" or masculine method. My friend Julie however, has pioneered a different approach which can be used by the single lady nudist. We've called it the "soft boiled" or feminine method.
It had its debut at a party she was attending a month or two ago. Her husband was away, and therefore the hard-boiled method was not an option. She had asked her hostess not to mention to anyone that she was a naturist, but somehow some of the guests found out and she found herself cornered in the kitchen, enduring the usual drunken innuendoes of two male guests. She began to think that the only way out was to make her excuses and leave.
But then came a flash of inspiration, and the "soft -boiled" method was born! One of the men challenged her to undress. Suppressing the urge to give him a slap, she smiled sweetly and said "Maybe. But I don't want to offend anyone. It's not my house." The two assured her that the hostess wouldn't mind, but she insisted that she'd better check first and left the room leaving them panting with anticipation.
Julie found the wives of the two men in the drawing room, and summoned up the nerve to approach them and say " Someone has told your husbands that I am a nudist They've asked me to take my clothes off, which I've no intention of doing. But even if I was willing, I would check with you first, so as not to offend you. I just wanted you to know."
She spoke in a butter-wouldn't-melt-in-my-mouth sort of way, but it had the desired effect. Thanking her through fixed smiles, both wives headed for the kitchen and respective spouses. Within ten minutes both sets of partners had left.
This is a very effective technique, but requires that the male half of the sketch have their partners with them. Julie and I are now working on a refinement to the soft boiled method which can be used against single party-peepers. We've got some cracking ideas, but really need to test them before we go public.
Anyone want to invite us to a Christmas party?
'Til next time,
Liz.

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